Fun General Chat

[DUB & EVE]

Re: Fun General Chat

Impossible Love Made Possible

Galatians 5:22-23

When a lawyer asked Jesus which commandment was the greatest, He said, “You shall love the Lord your God with all you heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind,” and “the second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself’” (Matt. 22:37, 39).

What an overwhelming assignment!

In our own strength, none of us can live up to this obligation, but the Lord helps us.

Whenever we demonstrate kindness, patience, or gentleness, we see the Lord’s love at work through us, especially when the other person has been unkind and doesn’t deserve such pleasant treatment.


Agape love is the reason we are able to care for someone who mistreats us—it’s God’s doing, not ours.

The command to love is enormous, God’s grace makes it possible.

[Guest]

Re: Fun General Chat

Well, the fish did not cooperate at our mens retreat, but a great time of Christian fellowship was had by all...... Note to Lewis: bring earplugs for the sleeping cabin nexxt time

[DUB & EVE]

Re: Fun General Chat

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

[DUB & EVE]

Re: Fun General Chat

An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company.

The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.

To show just “how” the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

“The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 1996 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game.”

[DUB & EVE]

Re: Fun General Chat

Fun Quotes by Albert Einstein

“If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?”
“The must incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible.”

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”

“Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.”

“Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.”

“You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.”

“The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat.”

“When asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that he didn’t know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With sticks and stones!”

“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S RELATIVITY.”

“Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.”

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”

—Albert Einstein

[DUB & EVE]

Re: Fun General Chat

“Ring Appraisal”

An acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be married decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if
she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that instead of a fee she’d accept lunch at one of Houston’s finer restaurants.

A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler’s magnifier, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.

“Wow,” said a tourist who had been watching from the next table.

“These Texas women are tough!”

[DUB & EVE]

Re: Fun General Chat

“Harold Camping, who predicted the end of the world, says the new date for the apocalypse is October 21. If it rains, it will be October 22.” -David Letterman

***

“More than 250 colleges are using graduation gowns this year made from recycled plastic bottles. It’s great preparation for the job most college students will be getting: collecting and recycling plastic bottles.” -Jimmy Fallon

***

“The other day in Indiana, a woman burst into tears while she was robbing a Long John Silver’s and told the cashier, ‘If I weren’t down and out, I wouldn’t be doing this.’ Then the cashier told her, ‘That’s what all our customers say.’” -Conan O’Brien

***

While I was dining out with my children, a friend of my neighbor, who recognized us, came over to our table, and we started talking.

He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.

With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family.

I said, “No, I also work... but out of our home.”

Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.

“He was born at home,” I answered.

The man looked at me and said, “You don’t get out much, do you?”

*-——————— Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes -———————*

In one of my classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States. It was pretty simple - the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.

In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone’s jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by saying, “What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?”

[DUB & EVE]

Re: Fun General Chat

Mom’s Famous Brownie Recipe

Here’s a recipe to make Mom’s famous brownies!

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr “no, no.”

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.

Take shortening can away from Jr and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Billy again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat’s tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from Jr. and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13 inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.

Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.

Throw cat outside while there’s still time and he’s still able to run away.

Frosting—Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn’t know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.

Put Jr. in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man’s front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie Billy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven.

[DUB & EVE]

Re: Fun General Chat

Painful Love

Both my fiancé and I are in our 40s. I thought it was both amusing and touching when he assumed the classic position to propose to me—down on one bended knee.

“Are you serious?” I asked, laughing.

“Of course I’m serious,” he said. “I’m on my bad knee.”

[DUB & EVE]

Re: Fun General Chat

Osama’s Valentine

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. “Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” he asks, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?”

David’s father thinks a bit, then says “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

“Osama Bin Laden,” David says.

“Why Osama Bin Laden?” his father asks in shock.

“Well,” David says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.”

His father’s heart swells and he looks at his boy with new found pride.

“David, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I know,” David says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Navy Seals will shoot him.”

[DUB & EVE]

Re: Fun General Chat

Old Codger An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing. He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet young thing over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM machine out in the lobby."

[Guest]

Re: Fun General Chat

Now my printer paper is 70% sugar cane 30% bamboo..... does that mean my words will be sweeter -- or stringier ???

[DUB & EVE]

Re: Fun General Chat

Frog got your tongue?